Hey Hey my adorable little squishies, so originally I wasn’t going to post it, I was just going to keep it in my drafts but… I thought I should post it because I said that I was going to be completely open and honest on this blog and I wanted this to be a place of healing for me and as past psychiatrists have told me, sharing is a great way of healing as it’s not being hidden so it’s no longer a weight on my shoulders. So here we go…
So I’m hoping by revealing what’s actually going on in my head that it might help to relieve some of the symptoms… hopefully.
Just lately my nightmares have been a lot more frequent, I’m sleeping even less now and I’m actually afraid to go to sleep (Stupid I know right) Well, I’ll put out what my nightmares actually are – I’m having something like PTSD from when I was raped when I was younger. Basically my nightmares are me reliving every damn second of both times that I was raped, it’s not fun and I have been waking up crying and thrashing, which understandably has Josh worried… but I don’t want to let Josh know all of this because….. It’s now affecting our sex life….. which isn’t even his fault, all the past trauma coming up and haunting me and causing me to not sleep and be afraid to sleep… everytime we start to do anything related to sex my body freezes me out, I get awful flashbacks and I suffer a sort of PTSD and start crying, which as you can imagine kills the mood completely. But it’s not just that, the PTSD symptoms are causing my body to just not get turned on, like in my head I want to but my body is physically telling me no.
I’m just so stressed now over this.
I know that I need therapy, but the system for mental health around here is so bad that it’s as if they have forgotten me, like I don’t exist and I’m not a problem for them… Why is it so hard to be heard so that I can receive the help that I need? Is anyone else having such a bad response as well or is it literally just me that no one seems to want to help…
I’m at my wits end now, I just want to be better and not have literally shit that happened when I was younger affect my adult life and relationships but all this shit is seriously affecting my relationships now.
I’m sorry, I just really needed to get this all off my chest, I hope it helps me a little… Maybe someone has some advice on what to do next, where to turn? I’d be very interested to know, so leave a comment or inbox me on twitter or facebook.
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Much love to you all.