So, I’m sorry I have been a bit of an absent wonder past couple weeks, I haven’t been posting and I have even been taking a step back off of Social Media. I’ve been a bit funny recently. A lot of past shit I think has been playing on my mind, I haven’t really been sleeping all too great, I’ve felt a bit disconnected from everyone around me and the world. I don’t know, it’s some fucked up shit my brain does I assume haha.
So, every now and again I become disconnected and literally uninterested in people and the world. It just happens for a few weeks and then I’m back to normal again, like nothing has happened.
Recently my mental health has been suffering, I’ve been getting worse which is something for me to admit to that, I’m not receiving the proper care that I should be getting through no fault of my own. I was with the Crisis Team April this year, and they were great whilst I was with them, but I did feel like nobody was listening to me when I was explaining things I was going through and had been going through for years now it had just gotten worse and worse. I ended up at the doctors to sort out some medication whilst I waited for the referrals from the Crisis Team for Intense Therapy (Which they thought I needed the most, and that I should be bumped up the list because I was a high risk patient – Which is what I am labelled as on my medical records at the doctors) I tried the medication that the doctors gave me, kept up with my fortnightly visits to the doctors so they could check on me, see how I was doing, see if they needed to adjust my medication at all. I mentioned that I’d been suffering pretty bad with Psychosis, which I’ve had for years anyway, and it’s on my medical records and everything or it should be anyway. But they weren’t concerned about it at all, brushed it off and said it’s just severe depression (baring in mind this was a nurse who specialises in respiratory conditions and she isn’t actually trained in mental health and stated this to me upon our first visit)
The Crisis Team when I was with them didn’t think it was just severe depression, they actually thought I had a personality disorder, not sure what ones hence the referrals to the mental health team so I could be fully assessed, and they didn’t want to be another group of people misdiagnosing me like my doctors have been doing since I was 12 years old. So I still don’t actually have a diagnosis. The medication I was on after 4 weeks gave me an intense 6 hour psychosis trip, which wasn’t fun at all and was terrifying in fact. I told this to the nurse when I had my next appointment, to which she told me to keep taking my tablets and see how I am in 2 weeks. The psychosis was that bad that had I been on my own I would of ended my life, it was a particularly violent psychosis and I was fed up of hearing these voices screaming at me, sick of seeing that woman leering over me and telling me that I’m a worthless piece of shit that nobody cared about or needed, that I need to kill myself, so I feel I’m getting to a bad point again in life where I’ll end up in hospital again (yeah, I’ve been in the psychiatric ward before, it’s not a fun place to be) So obviously I want to avoid it at any cost again but I’m literally receiving ZERO help from the people who swore that they would be there for me. I stopped my medication and stopped going to appointments, I became extremely suicidal again and nobody even checked in on me, like the nurse said would happen… I could literally be dead right now if it wasn’t for my family, best friend and partner sticking by me and making sure I’m still breathing.
Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant, I will try and post a little more frequently starting next week, I’ll try and keep on top of my posts. But till then my loves.
Love to you all!