I know, we had been doing so well with keeping on top of posts right! I haven’t posted at all this week so far and it’s not even day related post it’s an apology for myself!
People close to me may of realised that I have been acting a little funny lately, what a lot of people would call out of character when in fact it’s not out of character it’s just not the part of me I show too often to anyone. I’ve not been doing so well recently, mentally.
Not many people know, because it produces more questions for people than it does answer them, but I have a woman that follows me around. And yes, I know that she doesn’t actually exist, but that doesn’t stop my brain from hitting overdrive and my body sweating from panic and fear. You know how they say if you stare into the darkness that your brain tries to basically pick up faces and that 9 times out of 10 it will make a face where there isn’t one and shit you up? Yeah well my brain has surpassed this level of fuckery and I have a whole person, in the night, in the day time, when I’m trying to do important things, when I’m just sitting and watching TV. Now, for years I thought this woman was real and that I was being stalked, I even went to the police and everything which is how I found out that she doesn’t even exist and that it is in fact my brain that has manifested this woman in to my everyday life.
Many of you are probably reading it like “If you know she doesn’t exist now then surely that should be the end of it” Unfortunately that is not the case, I also thought that it would be the end of it and I could go back to a normal as can be life but she’s still present in my life. Now don’t get me wrong, just seeing a person that isn’t actually there isn’t all that scary to some people but she’s not just a presence for me, she talks, she touches me, she screams at me, she grabs me, she scares the absolute shit out of me. For the past week I have had on and off psychosis periods where I am seeing her, feeling her and even smelling her scent as she sits on my chest whilst I’m trying to sleep, when I can’t move through sleep paralysis and she’s staring at me, grinning ear to ear and shouting at me to do awful things, telling me awful things about myself, being this constant force that beats me down when I’m feeling hopeful that things are getting better. Every time I think I’m rid of her she comes back with force and it terrifies me every time.
Some people whilst reading this are probably going to feel super bad for me, don’t, it’s just something that I’ve had to deal with for years as the doctors fuck around with what they should and shouldn’t do to help me, and some are going to be reading at the edge of their seats like “YES! I know this!” For you it may not be a woman, it could literally be anything but just know, I feel your pain.
Not many people have witnessed a really bad episode of mine, my best friend has witnessed one of my bad episodes which lasted 6 hours at my sisters one night and I kid you not it took 5 people and an armful of puppies to get rid of her, it was a particularly bad episode to which I was hitting my head off of things and if I had of been left alone I probably would of gone off and ended my life.
So yeah, I thought after that episode that it might be okay again for a bit but she’s just more present than before, not as violent but it becomes hard trying to listen to people talk and focus on people when I have this woman shouting in my ear and making my life hell, So if I’ve offended anyone recently, If I haven’t been as talkative and not focusing in on you when you talk to me, I’m sorry but it’s hard to drown her out and that’s why I’ve been trying to lock myself away and deal with this.
Love to you all.