Yes, I’m sorry I’m being the depressive bunch of fuck again. I know, you would think I could be happier for longer than 5 minutes with the beautiful children I have but apparently not.
So already today was going to be one of those push through it kind of days because I could feel something was just off about me today, I don’t know why because literally NOTHING has happened to trigger it or anything. So yeah I have been plodding a long today wishing for bedtime already for everyone, my this was at 8am.
So I went back for a nap today and got up around 1ish… I’ve been doing my house work today and chasing our 2yo around playing dinosaurs. Even my best friend has been round and I’ve been cheerier whilst he was here but inside there’s just something nagging around in me, like I can’t even put it in to words properly as to what it is, it’s just there and it’s really irritating me now.
Then I’m sat there in the dining room, on my own, kids are sleeping finally, partner is watching YouTube videos before bed and I get this feeling that it’s not just one feeling, it’s FUCKING several shoved into one… I just want to be alone, I’m exhausted and want to punch someone in the throat …but whilst hugging them? If that makes sense to you. I want to cry my eyes out but laugh and smile too.
I have a pretty hard time playing catch up with my emotions that are like a roller coaster anyway but, this evening it’s overwhelming, like I can’t actually cope with feeling this many things. It’s all so intense, there’s no half measures, I can’t stop it. .. it’s just happening and I’ve got to deal with it… basically suck it up.
Now for anyone who doesn’t suffer from mental health problems just imagine feeling several intense emotions all at once, whilst managing family and close relationships, how exhausted would you feel? What’s the normal amount of exhausted that we should feel right now? Because I don’t know if it’s this amount or less, I want ice cream, but I know I’ll just punish myself after for it.
I need a hug. Virtually though because I might actually rip out someone’s throat if they hug me right now haha.
Anyway, apologies I did say I’d become more positive but it isn’t going well so far is it,
Till next time !