Hello again, I know I am probably posting too much for your liking, just bare with me though, If I don’t write it then it will be lost to explode another day and cause more of a mess than it would if I just blast it now. Thanks in advance for reading and following by the way.
So, today has been a really bad day, like I have honestly had to force myself to do everything, even get up and get dressed, even breathe. Why? I hear you ask to yourself behind your screen, because this is just the outlook of my life. You may of read (if you’ve read my older posts and the ones from way back on my old blog) that I suffer random shit, anxiety that’s so intense I can’t breathe, paranoia that makes it physically impossible for me to leave my house, my moods shift a lot and pretty damn drastically and it’s hard for me to keep up and maintain any control, I lack self control over anything, I’m impulsive, I lack the feelings to really care much for anyone or anything sometimes, and then sometimes I care too much, My mind is literally always buzzing around, constant thoughts pass through, some bad and some good, but mostly they’re bad thoughts. I have to resist the constant urge to harm myself when I’m in bad states (which I can tell you is pretty much every other day at the moment) I suffer from insomnia pretty badly these days (it’s gotten worse again) which makes my hallucinations and voices that much louder to me. It’s deafening.
Today in particular I’ve been fighting with myself, I haven’t wanted to eat, I have zero self esteem and every time I look at my own reflection I want to shatter it into a million pieces, I have barely drunk much which in turn caused me to go really dizzy and sick today, gave me a thumping headache which made my mood even worse than it was before. I’m listening to Day6 whilst writing this because it helps keep me calm and also it’s blocking out any outside interference that I would usually be getting around this time when everyone is bed.
But you’ve been really active, you’ve been going out, talking, laughing and really getting out there? I hear you telling yourself whilst reading this… Have I ever told you that I should probably go up for acting because I would probably win the role before? No? I should. Over the years I’ve become such a good actress that I can even fool myself into thinking that I’m okay, when really nothing is okay. Why don’t you reach out to someone? Because I feel like a damn burden, even if you tell me that it’s not a problem, my head works in such a way that it will tell me I’m burdening someone with something that I should be able to cope and deal with myself. I’ve spent so many years picking up the pieces and “coping” with my own shit that I hate asking for help, I hate telling anyone my problems, I hate crying in front of anyone and I hate anybody looking at me with those eyes of pity, it makes me angry.
What makes me even more angry is that I don’t ask for help even though I’m constantly trying to just stay a float, I don’t tell my partner when I’m not okay, I don’t often tell my best friend that I’m not okay, I don’t even tell my family that I’m just not okay. I’m just constantly bobbing along like everything is fine when in fact the whole place in my head is on fire and the doors are all blocked and I’m slowly choking on my own words.
Sorry, I just really needed to get this off my chest, I’ve been really all over the place today and neglecting many people and generally just fucked off for no reason at all.
Love to you all though!