Hey, welcome back to my blog. Enjoy your stay, this post is a little on the darker side (Sorry if this may or may not trigger some people) Read at your own will. And remember I’m always a listening ear when you fear that everyone else has abandoned you in darkness.
And so we find ourselves again, trapped in this nothingness. This is our reality now, there is no escape from ourselves and it’s terrifying.. It’s lonely, it’s cold and it’s barren. All we wish for is for someone to reach out to us, to pull us out of this nightmare, but everyone just stares on clueless that we’re suffocating in our own lives and minds… If only we could pluck up the courage to even utter two words of this hell then maybe someone would save us. So we just muddle through, we just carry on, silently screaming, pleading for a way out, and when it becomes too much for us to handle, we find our way out of this constant cycle of hell. Then we fade into nothingness, like where we’ve been trapped our whole lives, with not a soul to even forget us.
Every breathe that I take is like torture, I know that people have it worse off than myself, I know that the world isn’t falling apart but to me, the world has already begun falling away and has been for years. We’re constantly told not to show our weaknesses because our enemies can smell it, but what’s wrong with being weak every now and again so that someone else can help share the burdon occassionally? What’s so wrong about wanting a break from this insanity? So it’s drilled into us and we carry on like nothing is wrong, because if something is wrong then that’s a burdon for someone else and they don’t have time for that.. They don’t have time for us.
That’s when the thoughts begin, the thoughts of something easier, something simpler, something less painful than what you’re feeling in this very second. That’s when you begin to question everyone’s kindness, what do they gain from being kind to someone like me? I’m now debted to you for that kindness, I’ll never be able to pay it back, I’ll never feel right until I do either. Another cycle begins of self loathing, of self hatred, of banished self confidence.
You don’t understand why you are this way, you don’t understand why you’re wired to second guess everything and even yourself, you just do these things and feel crap about them after. You live your life in a cycle of hurting inside and never asking for help, you have violent thoughts, disturbed thoughts but you brush it to the side because, people have it worse off than yourself and you’re just being silly.
Fast forward a few years, you’ve found a way to cope, you have found your crutch. It might be drinking, it might be drugs, it might be self harming, maybe even smoking, but hopefully it’s something healthy like drawing or singing to get you through the day. For a lot of us though, it’s something damaging, but we can’t help it, we need it in order to survive this hell that’s getting worse day by day. But we still won’t cry wolf, we’ll still hold it in because let’s face it, someone has it worse than us. Right?
You, reading this now, you feel like I’m writing about you don’t you? I’m writing about us all, how we feel and what we go through. It’s not too late to reach out, it’s not too late to ask for help, don’t ever be afraid to ask for help because if you don’t ask for help then one day, you might no longer be able to ask for that help that you so desperately need.
So I want to ask all of my readers, I don’t care how well we know one another, if you ever feel like this, if you ever feel alone. I’m here. I’m listening. I’m your help, whenever, wherever. I’m here for you.
I’ve been there, I’ve been that person spiralling out of control, withdrawn, writing my final goodbye’s and making my peace before leaving, I’ve been that girl huddled in a corner crying uncontrollably, self harming, drinking and smoking my problems away, I’ve been alone, isolated and out of touch with the world… All it took was for one person to help me out of that hole and to constantly remind me daily that I’m needed, I’m appreciated, I’m special and that I’m loved no matter what.
So let me say the same to you guys, You are loved, you are special, you’re needed, you’re appreciated, Let me be that hand in the darkness, I’ve become an expert at escaping that hole now, I will be your lifeline. Don’t ever disappear from this world. I love you.
Love to you all!
Please visit again!