Hey, welcome to my blog again … today I’m going to prewarn you heavily… this is a dark post, is 100% true and no I don’t particularly like to draw notice to it but I feel it will a) hopefully help me understand it better and b) prove that it can be as simple and quick as if someone has just flipped a light switch inside…
So, as you’re beginning to realise now, or at least I hope you are, I’m not quite the full ticket, I suffer pretty horribly with a range of mental health problems. Yesterday I had not just a bad day but a fucking deadly day.
Now for people just tuning in now, with no previous knowledge, my moods switch pretty quickly, I can go from top of the world to edge of a bridge in a matter of seconds, I’m very sensitive to mood change, I have constant suicidal thoughts, irrational and I have an impulsive personality… Which is why when I’m told bad news it has to be done delicately and I’m also not allowed to be left alone for long periods of time.
I’ve had some stress over the past say 7/8 months that I’ve been letting build up because I’ve been busy, I had a baby 4 months ago, I have bills to pay… 2 other kids to feed and clothe. Well today I had a tipping point because of all the debt we are in (did I mention I have an impulsive personality and shouldn’t be allowed to deal with money because of this??)
This debt isn’t in fact our fault, it’ a council tax bill.. now neither of us are working because I’m not capable at the moment and I cant be left alone so my partner is basically my carer. It was a full council tax bill because for some long winded reason they weren’t going to pay us housing benefit until we get sorted.
Everything is piling up as you can imagine, I was drowning, suffocating and finding it hard to cope. I tried ringing CAB to sort it but no one was available. I tried getting the debt collectors to call off their hunting dog whilst I try and get some advice, I tried every avenue I could right then and there and came back with…Nothing.
Nobody was available to help at that second, I was overwhelmed and couldn’t breathe. I panicked, I got angry, I cried and then boom.. a switch flicked in my head and I was in that horrible place of nothingness again. I hate going there it’s cold, barren and I no longer feel, I no longer think straight or rational.
As quick as that switch flicked I began a note, I kept telling myself I’m the problem, I’m always the problem.. I should just disappear. I left with a blade, said a brief goodbye to my partner and walked to a random place. When I left that house I left with the intent of not coming home, I left with the intent that living was doing my family more harm than good.
I cried for help, I text my best friend that I had reached my limit, I told him where I was and prayed that he would be able to get to me before I ended my life. There I said it, I had the intent to do it and if he had shown up 5 minutes later than he did I wouldn’t be here to tell you how dark of a place I was in.
It took the rest of the afternoon for me to calm down, the mood didn’t alter, I’m still extremely suicidal, I’m still in this dark place drowning, I haven’t been here in a while and I honestly thought I’d never return but here I am… and doctors don’t seem to be making me a priority, I am legitimately a risk to my own life and no one is offering to save me, other than my best friend.
I self harmed today, I almost took my own life today and not a soul realised this on my way to do these things. That people is scary. That is how godo my acting can really be. If someone had stopped me in the street who knew me, and knew what I was like it wouldn’t of gotten that far. I am the most scary and threatening thing in my life.
I am a danger. Just like a switch went off, I cycled through panic, depressed, angry to I’ve had enough now.
I hope this opens the eyes of a lot of people to what it’s actually like for someome who cant control this, we’re not seeking attention were crying out for help, we want to be saved even if it doesn’t seem like it. And thank you to the hero that is my best friend, he can judge from a single text if I need him immediately or we can talk it out. He has saved my life more times than I can count and I bet he doesn’t even realise it.
Sorry for my depressing and horrible post. I needed to get this off my chest. I needed people to know that I’m not ok even if I appear to be. So I imagine it’s the same for others. Look out for little changes in people, because even as excellent actors something small will flag up that we need help. I promise you.
Sorry again. Love to you all.