I am home! After being away since April, I have finally moved back into my house completely… I’m not sure how my sleep will be tonight, but I’m glad to be home, I’ve missed my partner, the kids and our furry children as well.
I was a little worried about coming home, I’m in a funny place again, I don’t think the medication is working but the nurse thinks otherwise. I’ve got to ring up about getting in to see the psychiatrist and start my proper long ass journey to recovery and learning to cope and stuff. Bit daunting if I’m honest, I hate speaking on the phone to anyone and I’ll have to basically tell them what’s gone on … I’ve already had to tell 7 different people to be where I am now, on anti-depressants that don’t bloody work properly.
I started back at the gym, it kind of lifts my moods a little, but I don’t know, it doesn’t keep them lifted I’m depressed about nothing, and it really bugs me. I’ve gotten into a habit of hating myself again, looking at my body and having horrible thoughts, been having horrible flash backs to when I was a teenager and the way I felt when that guy raped me… How it pretty much shaped all future relationships with men. I have been having all kinds of horrible thoughts, and the terrible ones have been popping up a lot more frequently, before I moved back into my house… So I think maybe I do need to seek out some councilling for past shit that I never dealt with properly when it happened. Maybe I am permanently scarred by these things, I doubt there is anything I can do about them now though, right?
I’m going to start doing my Vlogs as well, more so for myself, it won’t actually bother me if nobody watches them, I hate my face and voice as well so it’s perfectly ok for you to as well!
Anyway, that’s it for now, thank you all for being patient as I have been pretty absent recently, I’ve had a bad few weeks and lacked motivation to do anything or say anything, but I feel I’m in a little bit of a better place at the time of writing this blog post, that could all change come morning but hey ho.
Love to you all!